Limerence and Euphoric Recall

Newcomers to AA are introduced to the concept of euphoric recall early in their recovery. There is nothing more dangerous to early sobriety than a charming yarn about how wonderful it was to drink. As alcoholics revel in the stories of their drinking, the possibility of relapse beckons. This is euphoric recall. Reminiscing on what was, creates a secondary high, a haze of glowy memory, that cuts out the reality of the suffering inherent in active addiction.

In essence, limerence is an addiction to euphoric recall. It is the pure distilled form of the engine of compulsion. The limerent object is turned over and over in the mind, and made magical by this eternal returning. This intensive focus also removes what is disliked about the object. Euphoric recall demands that reality must not intrude on the pleasure of memory. All drinking days become high holidays and hangovers are gloriously awful. It is the same with any romantic or sexual obsession. Any character flaw becomes a virtue. What is unappealing, is sexualised, romanticised, idealised into something profound and personally meaningful. Anything that is problematic is made anew and lionised.

This is why it is so difficult to see the limerent object with any clarity. It has been turned into something precious by this beautifying process.

How do we work with this? The work begins with destroying the perfection of the object. Returning the person you have limerence with, to base. They are human, ordinary, unable to attune to you perfectly, a disappointment in reality, unavailable, just another person amongst many, not a deity made perfection for you. The high you feel for them, you created, they have nothing to do with it, you are completely responsible for the feelings you have for them. They are a mirage in your own mind. What you crave is the version of them you have made, which in reality, is not who they are.

The death of hope and the birthing of reality will ground you in your recovery from limerence. To feel this and process this is of course very painful, but it frees you from living in your mind. completely stuck and divorced from real life, while you worship at the alter of a god you have created from ephemeral scraps of a person.

This stage by necessity, is harsh, and you may find yourself hating the messenger who crushes hope for you. You may feel furious with yourself at this stage, or your therapist, or your peers in recovery. Sit with the anger if you experience this. Underneath this fury is a storm of grief. The grief brings freedom from the grip of euphoric recall. It dissolves the need for it, and allows a truer understanding of why you have needed to have an object of adoration as a talisman and companion.