Fearful Avoidant Attachment and the Internal Switch.

Confusing. This is the word most used to describe the inner state of being fearful avoidant. With this style of attachment, it is possible to feel that there is no certainty, no safe place to land, and no balance. In a relationship, in one moment there is desperation for the partner, excessive need, the longing for reassurance, and then almost in the next breath, the feelings of dependency are frozen and forgotten, the heart cools, and disdain and revulsion overtake the self. The partner is spurned and repulsed, and then almost immediately, the need for connection is reignited and the cycle begins anew.

This oscillation from insatiable need to cold dismissal, can infuriate and bewilder partners. They feel unsure and unsafe with the person they love, and do not know if their approach will be welcomed, or rejected. All they can be sure of is that if their beloved wants them, then soon they will not, and then again, soon, they will.

For a person with fearful avoidant attachment, this pattern is all too familiar, and yet they feel unable to change it. They see the split in the self; they experience the terror of abandonment, then they feel it disappear, and in its place feel the horror of engulfment. There can be a great deal of shame about these feelings, and a sense of despair in terms of how to resolve them.

The mechanism that drives this behaviour is called the Internal Switch. This is what causes the wild swings and changes in behaviour. It exists as a defense against the feelings of abandonment and engulfment, and in a way, it works. Using the Internal Switch means that if a fearful avoidant feels too needy in relationship, they simply shift into the avoidant position, where they feel autonomous and self-regulated. If they feel that in the avoidant position they are too cut off, too disconnected from their partner, they can shift again into the anxious position, where they are able to feel warmth and seek co-regulation and connection.

The Internal switch offers temporary relief from the pain of abandonment or engulfment. It is a reprieve, an escape into the anxious or avoidant position. Unfortunately, there is a huge cost to using it. There is a wretched feeling of instability, there is no secure ground, and partners find themselves experiencing this lack of consistency too.

The pattern also worsens under stress, where the fearful avoidant begins to use the Internal Switch with more frequency and intensity. What is happening inwardly is that the fearful avoidant, when in the anxious position, is unable to self-regulate under stress, so moves to the avoidant position, and when in the avoidant position, they are unable to co-regulate under stress, so moves to the anxious position.

How to resolve this? Theoretically, this is straightforward, although in practice it is painful and exhausting. The fearful avoidant has to give up the ease of the Internal Switch, and learn instead how to comfortably self-regulate while anxious, and co-regulate while avoidant. Instead of moving away from abandonment, the work is to sit with the pain of it, and learn to self-regulate, learn emotional competency when there is emotional overwhelm. Instead of moving away from engulfment, sit with the horrifying feeling of being smothered, tolerate it and share how vulnerable you feel when you experience intimacy and connection.

The fearful avoidant doesn't have to do this perfectly as they heal this pattern, no-one ever does it gracefully to begin with, and it is very common to feel depleated by learning skills that haven't been developed because of using the Internal Switch. Have self compassion when you do this work, it is brave to do it, you will be creating competency and self-esteem for yourself in this process, and you will find that you can be vulnerable and feel safe when you are. Your self-judgement will fall away, and any partner you have will feel more certain of how you feel about them. You will no longer be too much/not enough, loving/unloving, too needy/too cut off, you will have balance and the grounding that comes from knowing you can be present with another person, because you are equally present with yourself.