The Core Fear of Worthlessness and why we Twin in Limerence.

Why do we twin in limerence? Why do some people feel as if they are us, as if there is no separation between selves? Why is the longing so absolute, so elemental that it transcends all other pain?

If early in childhood we experience a feeling of worthlessness, it is so unbearable, that our trust in self is broken. We become dependent on the gaze of another to give us a sense of who we are. This other becomes our compass, our guide towards what we can do to feel connected to this longed for sense of value. The gaze of another becomes our mirror. If we are approved of, we thrive, if the gaze turns from us, rejects us, or finds us wanting, we are lost.

In limerence we search for the perfect other in the hope that somehow it will be possible to find a gaze that is all loving. We hope that somewhere exists a gaze so perfectly attuning, that we will finally be absolved of this wound of insignificance.

As we search for this gaze, we are usually unconscious of the knowledge, that in essence, we are searching for our own eyes. Our longing is for ourselves. We long to love ourselves into value and cease the external search for it, and yet, this is usually a fleeting, passing awareness in the endless search for attunement.

Very rarely we will meet a twin. Someone so powerfully like us, that we will feel truly met and understood. This is the most intense form of limerence we can experience. It is more compelling than a limerent object who reminds us of a parent. Finding a twin activates the yearning for acceptance of self through external eyes. If we are adored by a twin we feel that we can have everything - we believe we will feel worthy and we believe we will not have to excavate the horror of the core wounding of worthlessness. This is so exciting, so soothing, so wondrous, that the twin limerent object becomes more precious than any other connection. How can this person ever be let go of as they offer the promise of worth and value through a gaze so like your own? They seem to be the perfect mirror.

Yet, merging with a limerent twin does not heal the core fear, it merely suspends it. The feeling of worthlessness remains, unfelt, even with the adoration of a twin's attention. To truly recover from this horror of lost significance, the twin fantasy has to be given up, the feeling of lack of value must be processed.

Giving up the fantasy of twin is an agony so intense that many people who experience it say that it is the worst feeling they have ever had to endure. The grief that pours out at the loss of a limerent twin is akin to a bereavement. It is like losing yourself, and in many ways, you are losing the externalised version of who you are. You are giving up the promise of being loved by yourself through another.

This level of pain is so tormenting it is unsurprising that not many are willing to fully endure it. If however, someone is willing, what is left after this terrible suffering, is worth itself. Inherent value, and an understanding of how precious it is purely to be, to exist. The self falls in love with the self, and the search for the twin ends.