For I am weak here
Broken hearted
And too fragile
To allow another in. This is the ringed place
The roped off room
Where the door is closed
And the dark panels
Hide my quiet face.
When the pain is so great, how can you open up in a session and trust that another person can see you in the way you need to be seen, and hold you in a way that feels safe but not intrusive? I asked myself these questions many years ago when approaching therapy for the first time as a client. How could I be vulnerable?
These are the answers I've found, and they are not about learning how to change the self, they are about assessing the person you see in front of you in session, the therapist.
Is the therapist defensive? Then I will not work with them. I look for accountability and personal responsibility, and for that, a therapist needs to be able to hold a client's difficult feelings. If I challenge a therapist and I see their need to defend themself, I will not feel safe to open up. One of my favourite therapists, who I saw for many years during my training, smiled when I challenged him. He enjoyed clients who weren't compliant. He was very competent and had no need to defend himself because he was comfortable just as he was. This sense of ease with self, can help foster this in clients, and it is something to value if you see it in the person you are working with.
Does the therapist have what I want? If you are struggling with active addiction and you see a therapist who is also struggling with compulsive behaviour, then you as the client can't learn how to give up your addiction. Therapists don't have to have the same issues as their clients, but it's important that they have a deep understanding of what working through pain involves. Sympathy is different from empathy. Personally, I want lived experience from someone I'm working with, and I'll ask them in a first session if they have it.
Do you feel safe? Do you sense that you are with someone trustworthy? I know very quickly whether I will be able to drop into feeling with a therapist, or not. If I sense that the flow of feeling is blocked between us, I won't work with them.
Most importantly, trust your gut when it comes to assessing a professional. You have intuition for a reason. Yes, it may take time to really open up, but that first impression, that initial sense of what a person is, is very useful. You absolutely can judge a book by its cover in therapy, and if you don't like what you see, you don't have to feel that the fault is yours. If a therapist can't immediately foster a good connection with you, you don't have to keep trying in the hope that somehow you'll learn to open up.
It is the therapist's job to create a safe space for vulnerability to surface, you don't have to berate yourself for not knowing how to do it.
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